Everything Causes Cancer, Even You!

C4NN Exposé

Sometimes the news really pisses me off, which is probably one of the reasons why this site was started in the first place, because if I can't control it I might as well laugh at it. That being said lets get down to business and ask ourselves, what sells news? Fear...that's what sells news.

People watch and read the news daily in absolute horror, almost like a train wreck. You see it coming and while you don't know for sure, you have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen. So you do the only thing you can do...just stand and watch. Once the 6 o'clock news team pops on your screen you know exactly what your about to see because they all follow the same recipe and use the same ingredients. Murders, accidents, robberies, beatings, natural disasters, wars, economic failures (a quick break for the weather and community events), political scandals, celebrity gossip, and perhaps a dash of sports. The perfect recipe for an action packed news hour full of high-ratings!

But what if none of that crap happened today? How the hell are you going to overcome competitive news stations and deliver horrific, shocking and entertaining news?! You can't use yesterdays stories and you can only fill so much air time with those really crappy community specific pieces. You know the ones...with titles like "Mrs Smith turns 100, Girl guides save cat from tree (PS Girl Guides your cookies suck now! I remember when girl guides used to actually BAKE THE COOKIES! All your really learning these days is how to pan handle! GREAT LIFE SKILLS FOR A 12 YEAR OLD you consumer whore sell outs! You'll have your own C4NN post soon enough, I'm sure of it) or man makes toast that bares the image of Jesus..." crap like that.

Well you defiantly can't rely on stories like that to keep a viewer base interested...no...you need big news, something to string the viewers along the whole night. The kind of story you can mention at the start of the news and not actually air until the last segment, knowing full well that everyone will watch intently until the end just to catch that story. You know what you need? A Medical break through that's what!

It's fool proof. all you have to do is dangle the fact that you have reliable information that will either:

A) Prevent you from facing a premature death,

or

B) Dramatically extend your life.

Holy shit I can't go to the movies , I gotta watch the news tonight! Or else I wouldn't know about crap like this:

Seven or More Eggs a Week Raises Risk of Death

C4NN Breakdown

Length of study: 20 years

My first question is, how the hell do you make a conclusion on how much faster people die as a result of eating eggs in only 20 years. How god damn fast are these eggs killing people!?

Quotable quotes

Men without diabetes could eat up to six eggs a week with no extra risk of death. Egg consumption of up to six eggs a week was not associated with the risk of all-cause mortality, consumption of (seven or more) eggs a week was associated with a 23 percent greater risk of death.

All-cause mortality?! WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! And why would 7 instead of 6 eggs be such a deciding factor. What if I eat Ostrich Eggs? Those bad boys are huge!

"Egg consumption was not associated with (heart attack / cholesterol) or stroke," the researchers wrote.

But the men who ate seven eggs a week or more were 23 percent more likely to have died during the 20-year period.

C4NN Conclusion:

Doesn't that last quote kinda defeat the entire purpose of the story? That eggs kill people? And what your telling me is you don't know for sure "what" will kill me, just that you're certain that if I eat 7 or more eggs in a week, I must have it coming...Well...at least be 23% more likely.

Id like to know how the hell was that conclusion even formed?! They don't even say! Are they using Tarot cards? "Sorry Mr.Brown, thats the Humpty Dumpty card...you're now 23% more likely to die..." If that's the case why don't I see headlines like "Men buried alive in fatal earthquake, eggs to blame!"

Also, how much money was spent on this? I can't even imagine, especially after considering how many distinguished organizations contributed to this highly conclusive study. Groups such as The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, Womens Hospital, Harvard Medical School, University of Colorado, the American Heart Association.

Fast fact! Did you know it's illegal to encourage someone to kill themselves? Well I guess that means I can sue the pants off the assholes who made these:

In all fairness they don't say a "BAD" Health Habit, just make it a habit. Like smoking.

That's right, eggs wont give you a stroke or a heart attack accoridng to ABC's report, but they might kill you some other way. So I guess that totally warrants a health check symbol. But you know what the best part of all of this is? THIS ONE (Click picture to zoom)

EXCUSE ME?!

I actually took that off Eggs.ca on April 13, 2008. Their research is backed by University of Connecticut and was done in 2005 and used only 42 subjects. But ABC's story was from 2008, studied 21,327 men, and had schools like Harvard involved. But this is eggs.ca for Christ sakes!! What the hell am I supposed to believe now?!

But all this egg nonsense aside, there is one story that is the great fail safe story the media can drop on your ass....cancer. Reports of what causes it, what prevents it, and statistics on how likely you are or are not going to die from it. Most of them are not factual, but rather speculations, and don't actually give you any useful information. Lets take a look at some of the life changing headlines.

Oral sex can cause throat cancer

Summary:

• People who have had more than five oral-sex partners in their lifetime are 250% more likely to have throat cancer than those who do not have oral sex, a new study suggests
• 
  
• People with more than five oral sex partners had a 750% increased risk of these HPV-16-caused cancers.

C4NN Conclusion:

This report actually had some really good information statistics and reasoning. It's just sad to know that theres a 250% chance that everyone I know is going to die of cancer. And what the hell does 250% more likely mean? 250% more likely then what? .000000000001? Who knows, just cover your lover in saran wrap to be on the safe side.

Beans may reduce breast cancer risk

Summary:

• Women who ate beans or lentils at least twice a week were 24% less likely to develop breast cancer than women who ate those foods less than once a month.

C4NN Conclusions:

Well, with cancer reductions like that the good news is, if she's a slut at least shes only 226% more likely to get cancer now. Also, I'm just going out on a limb when I say that the majority of the women who would not eat anything at least once in a month with a bean or lentil in it...probably aren't living the healthiest of lives to begin with...just a wild guess.

Hair dyes found to increase cancer risk

Summary:

• “A small but consistent risk of bladder cancer was reported in male hairdressers and barbers."

C4NN Conclusion:

Okay...without getting into graphic detail let me explain the ridiculousness of this claim. Hair dyes causing "Bladder Cancer" in male hairdressers? Notice how they don't talk about Female hairdressers? Have you seen most male hair dressers?

There is NOTHING wrong with being stylish and trendy or wearing a rainbow T-Shirt, but just like the first cancer article I posted said...HPV related cancers are likely to be transfered in saliva, blood, and other bodily fluids...and why wouldn't women get it?

I don't think his bladder cancer came from the hair dye...all I'm saying.

Grapefruit may raise breast cancer risk - study

Summary:

• Grapefruit is being increasingly marketed for its healthfulness, with the fruit currently positioned as containing antioxidants, which may help prevent certain types of cancer, heart disease and stroke. Grapefruit also contains natural vitamin C and potassium.
• 
  
• Women who consume one quarter of grapefruit every day may be at a 30 percent higher risk of breast cancer, suggests an epidemiological study from Hawaii and LA.

C4NN Conclusion:

So basically you just used 549 printed words to tell me you don't know shit. They might cure cancer, they might cause it, who knows!? Just throw in some statistics and big words like epidemiological and call it a story!

Work Stress May Lead to Breast Cancer, Study Finds

Summary:

• The number of breast cancer cases increased by approximately 30 percent for women with stressful jobs.
• 
  
• Researchers found no link between stress and cancer among women in part-time work.

C4NN Conclusion:

Are you joking me?! How the hell can you say women in stressful jobs are more likely to get cancer only if it's full time. That single mom working 2 or 3 part time jobs to raise her kids isn't stressed out at work? And maybe you should keep this in mind next time your at work and yell at someone. You are inducing stress and giving them cancer. You're a terrible person, and you cause cancer.

C4NN Final Thoughts

So I hope you learned something today. Only eat 6 Eggs a week if you believe ABC, or eat 3 a day if you believe eggs.ca, all those times you were intimate with your lover now make you 250% more likely to die PERIOD, don't dye your hair unless cancer is stylish and trendy to you, eating grapefruits will simultaneously cause and cure cancer, and you gave your co-workers cancer last time you yelled at them. Unless of course they work part time, then they are immune to your hate.